90210 S5E1: Was this a premiere of Carly Rae Jepsen’s new music video?

90210 is back. And in full force offensiveness. I mean, I almost had to turn off the episode during the “previously on 90210” part because I wasn’t sure if I could take another season (but then again, of course I can, I live for this.)

Oh please no, not this interrupted wedding/unrequited love story with Naomi and Max again. No Max, I’m pretty sure today didn’t happen because of fate.  It happened because Naomi is cray cray.

Was Max’s hair styled like that in the season finale?  I feel like it couldn’t have been because SURELY I would have commented on it and/or remembered that.  And what’s happening with Teddy’s hair?  Is there a hair stylist strike?  Props to Navid for not having the worst hair for once.

Please refer to my last post for my thoughts on Silver wanting to have a baby.  I honestly can’t even rehash all of the flaws in her plan to have the “no-strings attached baby” again.

Did Shenae hear the same phone call that we heard? Because I’m pretty sure my reaction to a coroner picking up my brother’s phone would be: hysterical, sobbing, yelling,  or something along those lines.  Instead, they seemed to have document her having incredibly  unpleasant gas.

I’m sorry, does Carly Rae Jepsen have compromising pictures of the creators of this show?  Not only is she OF COURSE making a guest appearance, but they also are picking up where they left off – playing her songs at completely inappropriate times and an unnaturally loud volume (Good Time while Naomi and Max crash a limo).  At least she gets a pass on her incredibly bad acting since her claim to fame is singing.

Adrianna is off to a running start being an annoying slut in this episode.

Wait this is so weird!!! Is Carly Rae is performing in my backyard at my high school pool parties?? Oh no, couldn’t be, my parties had more people than this.  Either way this doesn’t even sort of resemble a Vegas pool party.  And then there’s her outfit… i actually WISH her outfit was the worst aspect of this scene.

Why is Naomi wearing Ellen DeGeneres’ pant suit?  And why does it rip so easily?  And why doe she think THAT’s what will get someone to pull over for her? That and her fluffing her hair to look like she’s wearing a bump-it? Cut to them hitchhiking with a bank robber. I can’t even with this plotline.  If that was meant to excite viewers, that was a bust.  But luckily, Silver and Teddy are here to blindly trust Max’s “friend” that they just so openly welcomed into their home.  At least through the whole robbery and arrest, Max’s hair remained perfectly coifed. So luckily, that BOTTLE of hair gel that was used didn’t go to waste.

Best moment of this episode (or likely this season) — WELCOME BACK LORI LOUGHLIN. You were missed.  Except then you sort of let me down.. no daughter should ever be more distraught about a brother’s accident than a mother about her son. And on top of that, Lori, you really can’t let Shenae out-act you.

I’m not really partial to reality TV, but I’ve never so badly wished for a viewer’s choice elimination so we could vote Max and Naomi off.  That court room scene makes Spanish Telenovela’s look realistic and reasonable.

I’m going to send out positive vibes for this season and hope that I finally get my last wish for this show: LIAM AND ANNIE FOREVER.

Oh goodie, I was hoping Ade’s hook-up would make another appearance as someone of significance so I could point out CW once again recycling its actors. New guy who decides to invest in the bar with Navid all because he probably thinks he’s in love with Ade, previously appeared on Hart of Dixie as a failed attempt at a relationship with Rachel Bilson.  Some victims of the CW recycling are as follows:

-Torrey Devitto (Nanny Carrie on OTH, and some psycho on Vampire Diaries)

-Matt Barr (psycho Derek on OTH and the lead in the so sadly cancelled Hellcats)

-Arielle Kebbel (psycho Vanessa on 90210 and Lexie from Vampire Diaries)

-and now we can add Wes Brown to the list of no name recycled actors. Congrats Wes!