Anddd we’re back…with Peter Pan Live

UGH UGH UGH UGH I should have known just based on THIS

So I sat down tonight to watch Peter Pan Live on NBC because while I was at work I was told that the live tweeting going on was too good to miss. Which lead me to believe there was going to end up being SO many things wrong with this. I did try to give it a chance without reading the tweets, but boy was my gut right. This was an absolute train wreck. Let’s start with the fact that within the first 6 seconds, the little boy who plays Michael gets RAMMED by the dog. Great start guys. I know that this isn’t the fault of anyone in particular and it is just a consequence of the fact that this is a “live broadcast” being shown on TV but honestly, all of it makes me think this is one just big joke of an SNL skit. So I already cant take it seriously. But I really am going to try.

Now let’s talk about Allison Williams for a second. I am going to start by just saying that nothing I am about to write is mean because Allison Williams can’t even take herself seriously. She laughs at herself often throughout this entire thing. I thought I wasn’t going to be annoyed by the fact that she is playing the role of Peter Pan but honestly I can’t get over it. Do you know how many MALE actors would have been just fine playing this role? Zac Efron? Elijah Wood? I mean, hell, I would’ve been fine with DREW SEELEY at this point. Why was it necessary to cast a female to play a male role??? I just do not get it. It isn’t like we are short of talented male actors in this town. Though if you read this blog you might think otherwise but there really are a couple. What the hell is that PREDATOR stance she has going on??? She is constantly in some sort of squat pose and she looks like she is going to pounce at any time. Can we also please address her teeth for a second? Full. Fledged. Veneers.

Why is Wendy so okay with this stranger in her room? I feel as though in the movie she was a little smarter and more wary of said stranger. But in the live broadcast she is just cool with it.

Wait, wait wait…very serious question…is that maid in the closet okay? She appears to be dead and I am incredibly concerned.

THE WIRES ARE EVERYWHERE. Again, I understand they are on stage but I’ve seen many a Broadway show and I’ve never seen such horrifying portrayals of flying. The little boys literally look like they are hunchbacks and being pulled only by their clothes. With that said, it absolutely cannot be safe whatever method it is they are using. I guess I will just pretend I don’t see those there.

DRAG. SHOW.

Moving on from Allison Williams and how offended I am by that entire first act of this show. Let’s get to Christopher Walken. This is hands-down the worst casting choice anyone could have ever made. I am so uncomfortable by the red suede pants for starters. I can’t look away. Oh wait, I just got so distracted by his eyebrows. His penciled in eyebrows. This is the worst drag show I’ve ever been forced to watch. NO. THE TAP DANCING. I can’t take this. I love Christopher Walken but if I ever have to watch him “dance” aka flap around like a bird on a stage in a wig ever again, it will NOT be pretty for anyone near me. Is he drunk? On drugs? He is really something. He reminds me of the crazy homeless people that hang out down the street from me in front of Whole Foods. Anddddd there’s a pirate named COOKIE. The end.

Poor soul who had to play THAT character…

Okay but actually not the end. THE MAGICAL CROC. THE CROC IS SPARKLING. WHAT IS THIS?

SERIOUSLY commercial break is over and the next moment Pan and everyone arrives and the LOST BOYS SHOOT WENDY IN THE HEART WITH AN ARROW. IS THIS FROM THE MOVIE??? Why is no one wondering why she isn’t with them?? Oh good there’s a whole 30 seconds of concern for Wendy on the floor with the arrow in her heart. But then they leave her there again.

LOLOLOL the kid fell off the slide. I take back every negative comment about the production value of this live broadcast because the real-time failures are unbelievable. Does no one else think this is weird that a bunch of grown men in tiny hats want this strange woman in a nightgown to be their MOTHER? One of the lost boys (pretty sure the one that shot Wendy) has a very very serious sweating problem and I am genuinely concerned. Is this them taking a joint bath all while wearing their clothes?

Back to the pirate ship. It keeps getting better. First off we have the small dancing pirate on the left with the tiny tea pots. Then Christopher Walken forgets his line. And loses control. Cant keep it together AT ALL. Small pirate with the tea pots has a recorder. Remember those little flute things we learned to play in elementary school? Epic job bringing that back small pirate man.

I can’t decide what is worse. The pirate scenes or the Lost Boy scenes with Peter and Wendy. All of it is so harsh on my eyes and ears and brain right now that I might just have to look away.

Can someone tell me where I can take one of those sword fighting/dance classes? They look quite fun. But not as fun as trying to balance the teacup and plate on your head!! HAHAHA it fell off Allison Williams’s head. Stick to GIRLS, Al. The live stuff just might not be for you.

I cant wait to watch this girl fight between Wendy and Tiger Lilly. Over another woman. How very progressive of you NBC.

I honestly don’t EVER want to have to put anyone above the age of three down for a nap. If I ever have to put a full grown man down for a nap then something went very very wrong along the way for me. Just like it did for Wendy.

Can’t do it anymore. I am checked out. Not even that sparkly croc can bring me back. Peter Pan is trying to convince Captain Hook that he is not actually Captain Hook but he is in fact some sort of fish??? I really am done now.

In my absence for the remainder of this nonsense, PLEASE go take a look on twitter at the hashtag #PeterPanLive. It is dead on. I will end this with a recommendation to everyone in the entertainment industry moving forward…please stop ruining my childhood favorites by turning them into atrocities like this one. I can understand how someone ok’d this concept…but I absolutely cannot figure out WHO OK’D THIS TO BE PUT ON TELEVISION. If anyone knows, please let me know. THANKS.

Lovestruck: The Musical

Drew Seeley is SUCH a cheese face

I know I know you are thinking “why would you decide to watch Lovestruck: The Musical?”  But, I had to believe that what High School Musical 3 was could be found elsewhere. Wow was I WRONG.

Let’s start with Sara Paxton. I just want to say that I am so sorry for her, because she used to star in movie THEATER versions of things like this that real people watched and now she’s CO-STARRING behind Chelsea Kane in the TV version that is almost impossible to watch.  I thankfully have 4 bottles of wine that I have recently purchased.  Sara Paxton you should have quit after Aquamarine. And while we’re talking about where people should have quit, Adrienne Bailon, you should have ended it after the Cheetah Girls. 

If Jane Seymour’s role isn’t the poorest man’s Kate Hudson from Glee, I don’t know what is. Honestly. That isn’t trying to be funny, that is the most disturbing version of “Just Dance” that has ever been performed. Which is saying a lot, given Lady Gaga wore raw meat once while singing it. Literally dripping animal blood was better than this. 

Certain times in musicals, they should give up attempting to have a complex plot.  For example, while on a desperate search for aspirin in the middle of the day in an academy full of dancers, we find a lovestruck aging potion.  Just to make sure everyone is up to speed – Jane Seymour’s character is in an airport bathroom, moans a bit, and magically emerges as CHELSEA KANE, who disturbingly actually looks a lot like old Jane Seymour.  The next events are so disturbing that I can’t go in to them. But I will say, that the end result of her being “young” again is her galavanting around singing “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” in an Italian airport/shopping mall, but only after a standing leg stretch in the mirror of the bathroom which still no one has entered.  

Okay – now we are at the point where ABC Family has somehow found an overwhelming amount of men who literally have no self respect it is truly astounding. There are at least 15 fully grown MEN who have decided a role shimmying next to Chelsea Kane in a made-for-tv movie was a better option than just not working.  WHO OK’D THIS FOR THEM? I’d advise these people to look for a new team.

Then there’s Chelsea’s outfit. that scarf pleated halter top thing with a giant flower on the front reminds me of when I was 12 and would tie a bandana around my chest as a top while shopping at Limited Too. As if that isn’t bad enough, the girl has on BLUE SATIN PANTS. With a shirt like that – a pair of jeans would have more than sufficed. 

Back to the plot. Sara Paxton’s mom AKA Chelsea Kane has this brilliant plan to seduce the fiance who I can only hope is Drew Seeley acting Italian, in an attempt to get her daughter back in her dance show.  Oh and the whole “musical” bit of this is just random songs thrown around and no one is actually singing them. So…a step back from High School Musical ONE to say the least. I am growing more and more uncomfortable with every single song that plays. Like physically uncomfortable.

Dancer’s hands. Are those a thing? Like dancer’s feet I get, but the hands…what does that have to do with dancing AT ALL?

I literally never thought a version of Like a Virgin could be worse than watching Matthew Morrison perform it on Glee. Boy was I mistaken. Every SINGLE thing about this was so past the point of disturbing, a new word needs to be created. Seriously what is this. I think if Madonna knew this is what was happening to her songs, she’d never sell the rights anywhere again. Sara Paxton has absolutely never taken a voice lesson in her life. If my friends EVER act like this at any party of mine, let alone my bachelorette party, I will be in search of all new ones immediately. 

This is just the tiniest snippit of the travesty that was the “Like a Virgin” performance. Be lucky this was all you saw.

More importantly. WHERE IS DREW SEELEY? You know things are on a bad bad downward spiral when you are excited for Drew Seeley to be present. Nope, spoke too soon. No no no no no.  THIS is what Drew’s character is??? Old Chelsea Kane’s ex husband? Tell me he drinks the potion too and turns into Drew Seeley. The anticipation is killing me. I know that it’s coming and I’m just waiting and waiting. In the meantime, I’m forced to watch this no name actor confess to his future father in law that he cheated on his daughter. Not to mention the father is advising his future son in law to LIE about thecheating. What kind of message is ABC Family sending to their viewers??? 

Oh my god – on that same note about messaging to viewers, I am still watching ABC Family correct? I can only be sure that’s true thanks to the constant hashtags on the top of the screen since the conversation I’m listening to is about this old man worshipping Chelsea Kane’s ass. So that’s how they’re gonna turn this Ryan ex husband character into Drew Seeley – she drugs him. Again, who ok’d this messaging????

Drew Seeley looks an awful lot like a combination of Joshua Jackson and Scott Porter.  I really really wish Chelsea Kane wasn’t on her knees in front of Drew Seeley. It is so highly disturbing. 

To recap: these are the songs that were chosen for this “movie”

1. Just Dance

2. I Wanna Dance with Somebody

3. Like A Virgin

4. Some “I Do” song

5. How Can I Remember to Forget (i just made up that’s what it’s called, cause those are the only words sung) which is the MONTAGE which is actually just Sara Paxton singing and them flashing back to the one scene we have of them together. over and over again.

6. DJ Got Us Fallin In Love Again

7. Reprise of that “I Do” song

8. Everlasting Love

Honestly, after I watched the holiday ABC Family made for tv movie, “the Mistletones,” i swore I  would never watch another one of these. And then I did this to myself. I am serious this time. I don’t even think this blog can handle another one of these.  Everyone involved with this should be ashamed of themselves and should reconsider being a part of this industry. 

My Life Motto: I MADE A MISTAKE

I think in order to fully understand how I feel immediately following questionable decisions i make or uncomfortable situations I’m subjected to, you need to see this scene from Parks and Recreation. (Side bar, if you do not watch show, feel free to reevaluate your OWN life decisions.  Second side bar, if you do not find this show funny – stop reading now, I know longer want your association or following)  Although I highly recommend watching the ENTIRE clip, the Motto comes in around the :55 second mark – post vodka drinking.

Amy Poehler’s immediate regret saying “I made make a mistake” is just so prime, I’ve implemented it into daily life.

 

Just a quick question…

Since I am suffering from an extreme hangover and it’s a rainy day, I am sitting in my bed catching up on celebrity gossip that I already probably know. While on JustJared I found this delightful article:

“David Archuleta Taking 2-Year Music Hiatus”…which leads me to my quick question. FROM WHAT???? Seriously, what has this 12 year old done since he was the baby faced-kid on American Idol like 4 years ago??

If you’d like to go read the post yourself here ya go http://www.justjared.com/2012/03/30/david-archuleta-taking-two-year-music-hiatus/?ref=topposts 

happy rainy saturday everyone!

BACKKKK

I apologize to all about my long absence.  Unfortunately, my unemployment came to an end, and I joined the life-sucking depths of entertainment.  But not to worry, I’ve still been keeping up with TV and there is plentyyyy to write about this season.  I’ll be making an effort to stay more on top of it.

xx

Wait, I’m Confused

So far, Whitney, Ringer, and Up All Night have been picked up for full seasons….  Am I watching the same shows as everyone else???  Or am I seeing the unusually bad and awkward versions?  Who is making these decisions??

Congrats on Making It to Friday

Helloooo! I just wanted to tell everyone to have a great weekend.. PaRtY HaRd hehe.  And to also mention that I will be watching some new fall television pilots this weekend, so keep checking in for my insightful reviews xx

You’re welcome…

… for the amazing insight into the world of television that you are about to receive.

About TV Queen

Due to certain circumstances surrounding my life post graduation, I have ended up with an outrageous amount of time on my hands. While that is irrelevant to the topic at hand, it has given me excess free time to explore the wonders that are created for the general public’s viewing pleasures on television.

Let me preface these posts in this blog by saying I thoroughly enjoy each of these shows and particularly the episodes that I will analyze.  With that said, I have some very strong opinions on what is being okay’d by many someones on many levels over and over again.