S3E3 Make It or Break It: They forgot what hygiene is

Not to be really rude and critical of people but I have a hard time watching scenes with Jordan in them because her sideburns are SO distracting.

Oh is THAT what they give you to wear at hospitals??? Hospital-issued kimonos. Do I get to choose the pattern? Colors? Length?

Little miss sunshine is the most irritating human being on television right now. I can’t hear what she is saying because her voice is so high that I literally can’t understand the words coming out of her mouth. Are they screeches or does she have thoughts? I don’t know. Also, this psycho side of her where she sets off fire alarms and stares creepily at people is so weird.

Tonight I have a guest who is watching Make it or Break it with me tonight. She actually said “Do you know what kind of self-loathing these adults must feel who are in these shows?” I couldn’t agree more – see Adults In These Shows.

YESSSS DJ Tanner is back! How I’ve missed you and your obsession with Jesus.

Austin’s fake tan – sick. Wait, are they trying to cover up his tattoo and did THAT bad of a job??? Or is his tattoo that bad and faded? Either way, not okay.

Not only is “glam time” over for Lauren – but apparently they just threw a bucket of acid on her face. No one gets that ugly in three days just cause they found out about an illness they have lived with their whole lives.

There’s nothing LESS manly than a guy telling me about his floor routine. Just saying even though they have great bodies – still just no. Oh but then there is that moment where Kaylie gives Austin a page from her journal in a frame. How incredibly lame of you.

OMG Peyson is that your pit stain???? I am so grossed out and disturbed about the fact that they used that shot of her when they could have so easily re-shot that. Clearly ABC Family has also given up on this show. That is so gross, I cannot get over it. That run, jump flip thing she did to get into the “silent people retreat” was beyond unnecessary.  For the record, she just needed him to to lift her up not that acro vault routine she performed. Side note, I couldn’t want to be anywhere LESS than at a silent retreat where I sleep in dirt huts.

“You did the deed??” “No, I fell in love.” Did. The. Deed. Wow Kaylie. You might as well have used something equally as offensive like “let him in your secret garden” or something. And then no, Peyson you did not fall in love in that tent. You sweat a gross amount and woke up with pit stains, that’s what you did.

Lying Game S1E4: Sweating Issues

Emma with her birth mother, Michael Jackson

No need to rehash all of my previous blog posts, but it took me five total minutes to get through the one minute “previously on the Lying Game” segment because I literally had to pause after every scene to think to myself “who OK’d this and what is going on?” Each plot line seems even more ridiculous than when I first watched them, and I would just like to confirm upon second analysis that the birth mom in the picture is DEFINITELY Michael Jackson with a square-headed child.

We’re off to a solid start with Emma running at night and a car following her…it sounds like a prevalent theme is going to be “really Emma? Make smarter decisions.” Now, I am from a small town with virtually zero crime, and I wouldn’t choose to run alone that late at night even if I had recently purchased a fluorescent yellow tank top courtesy of American Apparel in substitute of proper blinking running attire.  Then there is Emma/Sutton who is in a new place in history of crime related to her, yet she is perfectly okay with this.  Once again, really Emma? Make better decisions.

As if I hadn’t beaten this down enough, I am going to point out the intro again.  This time my issue is – why are they holding hands?

I have set a mandate for myself per Lying Game blog posts that I will limit it to only two David Wallace references each time because honestly every time he is on the screen I could comment, but I’m avoiding overkilling this huge problem.  Good news for you, the ones I have chosen to write about are the BEST possible comments. So, we come to the scene with two of my favorite adults in these shows – Nathan Petrelli and David Wallace – because seriously, who OK’d all of this? I’m talking casting directors, producers, agents, managers, publicists, dogs, friends, family, concerned fans, anyone who could possibly have interacted with these people at one point or another.  Side note – you can guarantee that if I ever run in to one of these two fellows, they will be fully aware of my thoughts on their career choices.   Anyway, they have a scene together and I don’t know what it is about because I was so concerned with whether or not they had gone to a support group meeting before and/or after that I am positive all adults in these shows must attend for their sanity.  Because surely when David Wallace and Nathan Petrelli come together on ABC Family, there has got to be a lot of support happening. (Molly Ringwald, now that Secret Life is on hiatus, you are probably leading these groups.)  I’m guessing a typical discussion between David and Nathan centers around questions such as “where did I go wrong?” (A: leaving your primetime show), “do you think people judge me?” (A: YES), “do you think if we act really badly people will know its a joke?” (A: no, because almost no one can get over the fact that you’re even on this show.)

I don’t really need to say much, but I would like to point this out in case you missed it…A SOLO PROFILE PICTURE OF DAVID WALLACE ON SUTTON’S WALL…really? okay. (this doesn’t count as one of my David Wallace digs, this is a set design issue. Who keeps a solo picture of their living Dad, who just happens to be David Wallace, framed on your wall.  This is weird.)

Bratz Dolls...outrageously large hair and heads with anorexic bodies...great body image for young teens.

About this so-called “date” that Laurel and blonde guy go on, first there is lame music talk while she poses for a non existent sketch, then there is an awkward conversation about money. Then we come to the ultimate date showdown between Laurel and the Bratz dolls (see left) aka Mads and girl with veneers who likes blonde guy, in which blonde guy manages to out-douche himself with the gem of saying he “liked Laurel since the moment he saw her.”

You can’t really tell if Emma is having a nightmare or experiencing some sexual act of sorts, but nightmare makes more sense, because I too would have nightmares if I found out Michael Jackson was my birth mother and slept with that photo next to my head.  Also in this scene I want to make a note to the “sweat applier” in the make up department…you don’t sweat out of your dimples and the side of your mouth.

And now it’s time for my second David Wallace reference.  I am not sure which character offends me more: David Wallace, or David Wallace’s golfing glasses?  Yep, they’re back for episode number two.

I am pretty sure the issues with Nathan Petrelli’s sweaty look are not the fault of the sweat applier, but instead that of the sweat dabber on set.  Either that, or there is no air conditioning ANYWHERE and Nathan Petrelli has overactive sweat glands.  Let’s get the sweat problems under control Lying Game make up department.

In an attempt to make fun of this show, while watching I said to my friend “just because she brought you love, so what?”  30 seconds later, Laurel ACTUALLY said “you brought me love, just returning the favor.”  I don’t know if I’m more offended by myself that I predicted that exact awful line, or by the writers who OK’d that exact awful line.

I can’t take it anymore…WHO is Thayer and what does he contribute to this show? I will tell you, nothing.  As evidence by this line: “Well we know one thing about your birth mother.  She had a terrible realtor.  I mean come on, you’re in California – there’s Santa Cruz, Palm Springs, Big Sur…”  I’m not even going to warrant this comment with an ACTUAL list of the top three places to live in California – let me just reassure you that is NOT the order of the top three.

Upon episode conclusion, let’s recap what we’ve learned this time around. Michael Jackson’s character’s name is Annie Hobbs, Laurel doesn’t suck as much as she used to, David Wallace and Nathan Petrelli conspired about the adoption/birth mom issue, Rick Malambri is highly inappropriate towards a 17 year old, girl with veneers is about to derail from the troops, and finally blonde guy used to be brunette and now appears gray.

In case you need to catch up, next Monday ABC Family is having a “marathon event” of a whopping four episodes.  Followed by what looks like an offensively filled episode with some sort of school dance – one of my fav ways that shows inaccurately portray high school.

Adults in These Shows

I would just like to clarify that by Adults in These Shows, I am referring to the older actors in the parental roles (not to be confused with Adults Playing Teens).  Now, as previously mentioned (you will learn this phrase is a staple of my vocabulary), I do enjoy watching these performance most of the time.  However, for example, in a show centered around a group of unusually fertile high schoolers itching to get married, the parents bring less than nothing to the table.  In fact, one would wonder who OK’d a plotline where parents are only present 35% of the time, while their “teens” are either morphing into werewolves, getting pregnant, being in the woods as 2am, or all of the above at once.  I question who would write these roles, cast these roles, and even take these roles.  Which leads me to the following perplexing questions I regularly encounter:

A. How do these actors take themselves seriously?

B. At what point in your career do you decide “hmm, I’m going to leave THE OFFICE, and take the role of a father who doesn’t recognize an impostor daughter on an ABCFamily TV Show.

C. Surely at some point, SOME actor has realized all of these things and stormed off in a fury shouting, “I literally canNOT have this conversation asking my married teen son for relationship advice after my third failed marriage.

Just a little something to think about, but no offense.