90210 S5E1: Was this a premiere of Carly Rae Jepsen’s new music video?

90210 is back. And in full force offensiveness. I mean, I almost had to turn off the episode during the “previously on 90210” part because I wasn’t sure if I could take another season (but then again, of course I can, I live for this.)

Oh please no, not this interrupted wedding/unrequited love story with Naomi and Max again. No Max, I’m pretty sure today didn’t happen because of fate.  It happened because Naomi is cray cray.

Was Max’s hair styled like that in the season finale?  I feel like it couldn’t have been because SURELY I would have commented on it and/or remembered that.  And what’s happening with Teddy’s hair?  Is there a hair stylist strike?  Props to Navid for not having the worst hair for once.

Please refer to my last post for my thoughts on Silver wanting to have a baby.  I honestly can’t even rehash all of the flaws in her plan to have the “no-strings attached baby” again.

Did Shenae hear the same phone call that we heard? Because I’m pretty sure my reaction to a coroner picking up my brother’s phone would be: hysterical, sobbing, yelling,  or something along those lines.  Instead, they seemed to have document her having incredibly  unpleasant gas.

I’m sorry, does Carly Rae Jepsen have compromising pictures of the creators of this show?  Not only is she OF COURSE making a guest appearance, but they also are picking up where they left off – playing her songs at completely inappropriate times and an unnaturally loud volume (Good Time while Naomi and Max crash a limo).  At least she gets a pass on her incredibly bad acting since her claim to fame is singing.

Adrianna is off to a running start being an annoying slut in this episode.

Wait this is so weird!!! Is Carly Rae is performing in my backyard at my high school pool parties?? Oh no, couldn’t be, my parties had more people than this.  Either way this doesn’t even sort of resemble a Vegas pool party.  And then there’s her outfit… i actually WISH her outfit was the worst aspect of this scene.

Why is Naomi wearing Ellen DeGeneres’ pant suit?  And why does it rip so easily?  And why doe she think THAT’s what will get someone to pull over for her? That and her fluffing her hair to look like she’s wearing a bump-it? Cut to them hitchhiking with a bank robber. I can’t even with this plotline.  If that was meant to excite viewers, that was a bust.  But luckily, Silver and Teddy are here to blindly trust Max’s “friend” that they just so openly welcomed into their home.  At least through the whole robbery and arrest, Max’s hair remained perfectly coifed. So luckily, that BOTTLE of hair gel that was used didn’t go to waste.

Best moment of this episode (or likely this season) — WELCOME BACK LORI LOUGHLIN. You were missed.  Except then you sort of let me down.. no daughter should ever be more distraught about a brother’s accident than a mother about her son. And on top of that, Lori, you really can’t let Shenae out-act you.

I’m not really partial to reality TV, but I’ve never so badly wished for a viewer’s choice elimination so we could vote Max and Naomi off.  That court room scene makes Spanish Telenovela’s look realistic and reasonable.

I’m going to send out positive vibes for this season and hope that I finally get my last wish for this show: LIAM AND ANNIE FOREVER.

Oh goodie, I was hoping Ade’s hook-up would make another appearance as someone of significance so I could point out CW once again recycling its actors. New guy who decides to invest in the bar with Navid all because he probably thinks he’s in love with Ade, previously appeared on Hart of Dixie as a failed attempt at a relationship with Rachel Bilson.  Some victims of the CW recycling are as follows:

-Torrey Devitto (Nanny Carrie on OTH, and some psycho on Vampire Diaries)

-Matt Barr (psycho Derek on OTH and the lead in the so sadly cancelled Hellcats)

-Arielle Kebbel (psycho Vanessa on 90210 and Lexie from Vampire Diaries)

-and now we can add Wes Brown to the list of no name recycled actors. Congrats Wes!

90210 Season 4 Finale: More Poor Decisions.. Surprise

It took me so long to be able to watch the season finale of 90210 because I was scarred from the last time I had to blog about this show.

Anddddddd this is why. The intro scene having “Call Me Maybe” in the background. Well, at least if nothing else, the show is semi-topical and played that song this season while it is all the rage and didn’t wait until next season. Not sure that it is needed though…incredibly distracting actually. This song could not fit less in this moment. I really cannot understand why they are playing this…and why it is being played for a solid five minutes.

Another super distracting thing…Robert Hoffman quoting the bible. Sorry…misquoting. The bible doesn’t say you need to help illegal immigrants.

So “Ade” went viral? What does that term even mean anymore? 500 people seeing it definitely does not mean you “went viral.” You really can’t go viral unless Ellen DeGeneres and tutus are involved these days. Whatever THAT video is…definitely did not go viral.

Matt Lanter’s pink lips/cheeks are guding me away from staring at his greasy/wet hair plastered to his head.

UGHHHHHHH and we’re back to Silver and her “I want to have a baby before the non-existent cancer takes over my life” thing. No Navid, you don’t just decide you’re going to have a baby with someone. Weren’t you in a fight last time I checked? I am so confused – the fact checkers must have left for hiatus early.

ADRIANA HAS A FAN?!??!?! Congrats. Just one. This must be part of her whole “gone viral” thing. Thank you for the advice Liam – not to let the weird fans bother you. I forgot that you had all this epic fame from that horrible movie.  Even if you have a few fans…you most definitely do not have a paparazzi problem.  Not to mention, this fake paparazzi issue you are pretending to have is in no way a segway to discuss whatever completely irrational and outrageous not real life problem you have going on with Silver.

NO NAVID. NO WAY. NO N ON NO NO NO. The seductive music. The low voice. You SAYING you are being sexy. NONE of those things are sexy. omg I have to look away before I projectile vomit on my computer. Then the awkwardness of the conversation about them getting back together. Whoa. So let me get this straight. Silver wants to have a baby, no strings attached, with one of the two guys who are in love with her…umm okay. WHO OK’D THAT?? Thinking that you can use an ex-boyfriend to give you a no strings attached child means you are absolutely not old enough to be having a child in the first place.

Please note that there are certain lines like “How many pairs of shoes did you buy, GIRL?” that I am choosing to completely ignore because once again, I can’t write about everything.

I wish I had the ability to bounce back from relationships like Naomi does. Last I checked…she was in love with Austin so kicked Max to the curb. Not sure where Austin went, but she didn’t care, she found PJ, who later screwed her over because he used her to get his trust fund by trying to MARRY her, and then were back to Max, without even so much as addressing her previous pretty serious relationships with Austin and PJ..oh and Austin is back…just an FYI.

This church event to support white Raj’s amnesty. How are there THIS many people who care enough about this illegal immigrant? You know in Texas they just shoot them? Apparently in LA they make posters and congregate at a church while having some sort of fair. Since I already decided the fact checkers took their vacation early I am going to ignore the rest of this story line. For now.

At least someone is on the same page as me. Thank you Austin, I too don’t ever want to hear the phrase “baby-making sex” again.

Oh Liam invites press places? Weird…I didn’t know fake celebrities knew members of the media after one failed movie. Oh wait, they don’t.

I don’t even know how to address the bing commercial that was placed in the middle of this show to promote BING, a search engine never used, on top of Jessica Lowndes’s music career. Oh and her EYEBROWS – clearly a make up artist trying out some new brow pencils.

Ivy I know you think you are already married to this kid because you think he is Raj and you haven’t realized that Raj is dead. I know this is confusing for you because he is white Raj, or apparently Mexican Raj.

Also just a note to all the young viewers out there since 90210 is sending you SO many wrong messages in this episode…I just want to clarify that having a “no strings attached baby” with your ex boyfriend or best friend, both who are in love with you, or marrying your way out of a legal problem are not viable life options in a normal setting…or any setting for that matter. This came later, but I am going to address it now. Also not having a baby with your gay best friend at age 21 is not a viable option either.

This is a who ok’d this question for the wardrobe department. Where did you get that puffy vest? Because no one is making those anymore. Also, we’re in southern california and we definitely don’t need one of those here.

NO WAY. White/Mexican Raj is heading to Mexico city, and on the bright side of getting deported, they have a “killer art scene” there and he knows some Spanish. “Te quiero.” he tells Ivy, meaning “I want you.” To be clear, he definitely learned that Spanish from the Taco Bell Chihuahua commercials.

Naomi it is so weird for you and Austin to be talking about your feelings for Max. Although I can’t really hear what exactly they are saying because I can’t stop staring at the hot pink embroidery on his shirt, or the rat’s nest on her head. Apparently wardrobe and hair/make up chose to take their hiatus early as well.

ahhhh omg omg omg please stop Naomi. Im cringing. no im not. Im doing the step past cringing, I don’t even know if there is a word for it.

Clearly the CW only has one way to close out a season. A car crash. I think 90210 has done it at least twice, Gossip Girl once, One Tree Hill like 7 times, and last week, Vampire Diaries.