Melissa and Joey: S1E21

What is that sitting on top of Joey Lawrence's head? Cause it isn't hair...

Sitcoms are usually hard for me to review being that they often tend to make fun of themselves and they’re 22 minutes of silly laughs.  Rest assured, I had no problem reviewing this time around. I actually wasn’t ever going to watch this show, but then I saw a preview with something that was GOLD…I’ll get to that later.

Melissa and Joey is a very kind name given to this show.  Because if I were naming it, I would call it “Two Washed Up Actors Who Had Awesome Shows as Teens Come Together for Idiocy”.  For those of you who don’t know why I would name it this, here is why.  Melissa Joan Hart starred on two great shows called Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Clarissa Explains It All. And Joey Lawrence was on Blossom, which actually I’m not entirely sure what that was about but I watched it everyday and followed the life of that sad girl with the big nose and her brother that always said WHOA.  Those shows are what these two SHOULD have been remembered for.  But because their representatives, families, friends, consciences all OK’d them to do this piece of offensive television, I will forever remember them as “Melissa and Joey” and not for my childhood after school entertainment. IMDB couldn’t provide me with enough background to fully comprehend the epic proportions of stupid this show is about, so I went to Wikipedia where I found this: “The series follows local politician Mel (Melissa Joan Hart) and Joe Longo (Joey Lawrence), whom Mel hires to look after her niece and nephew after a Ponzi scheme leaves him broke.”  So let me get this straight…a politician hires a financial criminal to take the position of “manny” for her teenage niece and nephew who, I found out by watching, are old enough to babysit themselves…WHO OK’D THIS!?

I mean, I think  it is safe to say there are some really stupid plot lines on television at the moment (and I thank everyone for that otherwise I’d have no blog), but come on people, this takes the cake. Following the summary, I find this: “The series has been renewed by ABC Family for a second season.” Seriously. I’m not kidding anymore, WHO OK’D THIS?! And even more so, who is watching this enough to give someone the sense to renew it??? It’s not like they even have a good lead-in or a good following show…the show that is alongside this one is the Raven Symone one that was only created because she is skinny now. It can’t be good and I definitely will not watch it.

Then at the beginning of every episode we get a “this show is filmed in front of a live studio audience” announcement.  At least they aren’t using a laugh track like some other shows.  With that said, the people who are laughing must have either been given some drinks or drugs or that laughing gas they give you when you go to the dentist, because this show is NOT funny and yet, I hear laughter.

I have to admit, I pretty much ignored the whole beginning of the episode because I couldn’t past the concept of this show, interrupted by the offensive laughing and the fact that these two are using shortened their own first names for their characters.  Then something caught my eye.  Kappy, from Greek appeared at the door…riding a bike…with flashers clipped to the bottom of his pants. For those of you who don’t know, Greek was also an ABC Family show that recently ended due to the lack of ideas for a story line, the fact that people can only realistically stay in college for so long (see Adults playing teens), and Spencer Grammer’s pregnancy.  I happened to love Kappy, until now.  Where in an attempt to make him look younger, ABC Family had him grow his hair far too long and told him not to shower three months prior to filming.  Oh, because the premise of this episode is that Melissa wants to date Kappy who is supposed to be much younger than her.

I literally cannot talk about the scenes that surround the side story lines of the niece and nephew, neither of which I know their names or what their deal is, nor do I care.  So I’m back to a scene between “George Junior (Kappy)” and “Joe Longo (Joey Lawrence)” where Kappy presents Joey with a napkin from Chili’s with a financial plan on it and would like the ponzi scheme specialist to help him out.  Normally when I need help with my finances, I find the least eligible person to help me out.

Then Melissa comes down the stairs to tell Joey some boring sentimental speech about how she likes Kappy even though he’s younger and blah blah blah.  Obviously I ignored that dumb speech because I am distracted at the wardrobe/hair/make up people’s attempt to have Melissa look younger.  They have her dressed in one of those hot pink puffy vests with the fur hood over a tight white turtle neck and curled pig tails.  Note to all of you people: this is NOT how you make people look younger.  Kappy looks dirty and Melissa looks stupid. Neither of them look like a 24 or 32 year old. This is your job, that you get paid for.  And this is why you are working on Melissa and Joey and not an actual show- just so you know.

There isn’t too much more to say because while the overriding plot line is unbelievably stupid, nothing really happens in each episode.  Normally I would say this is going to be my first and last episode because I don’t think I can watch this show again, but I have recently been informed there is some sort of “Lawrence brothers reunion” that takes place on some episode so as soon as I find it, you can be sure to expect a review (otherwise known as a list of reasons this show and more specifically, episode should have never been made.)

Lying Game S1E4: Sweating Issues

Emma with her birth mother, Michael Jackson

No need to rehash all of my previous blog posts, but it took me five total minutes to get through the one minute “previously on the Lying Game” segment because I literally had to pause after every scene to think to myself “who OK’d this and what is going on?” Each plot line seems even more ridiculous than when I first watched them, and I would just like to confirm upon second analysis that the birth mom in the picture is DEFINITELY Michael Jackson with a square-headed child.

We’re off to a solid start with Emma running at night and a car following her…it sounds like a prevalent theme is going to be “really Emma? Make smarter decisions.” Now, I am from a small town with virtually zero crime, and I wouldn’t choose to run alone that late at night even if I had recently purchased a fluorescent yellow tank top courtesy of American Apparel in substitute of proper blinking running attire.  Then there is Emma/Sutton who is in a new place in history of crime related to her, yet she is perfectly okay with this.  Once again, really Emma? Make better decisions.

As if I hadn’t beaten this down enough, I am going to point out the intro again.  This time my issue is – why are they holding hands?

I have set a mandate for myself per Lying Game blog posts that I will limit it to only two David Wallace references each time because honestly every time he is on the screen I could comment, but I’m avoiding overkilling this huge problem.  Good news for you, the ones I have chosen to write about are the BEST possible comments. So, we come to the scene with two of my favorite adults in these shows – Nathan Petrelli and David Wallace – because seriously, who OK’d all of this? I’m talking casting directors, producers, agents, managers, publicists, dogs, friends, family, concerned fans, anyone who could possibly have interacted with these people at one point or another.  Side note – you can guarantee that if I ever run in to one of these two fellows, they will be fully aware of my thoughts on their career choices.   Anyway, they have a scene together and I don’t know what it is about because I was so concerned with whether or not they had gone to a support group meeting before and/or after that I am positive all adults in these shows must attend for their sanity.  Because surely when David Wallace and Nathan Petrelli come together on ABC Family, there has got to be a lot of support happening. (Molly Ringwald, now that Secret Life is on hiatus, you are probably leading these groups.)  I’m guessing a typical discussion between David and Nathan centers around questions such as “where did I go wrong?” (A: leaving your primetime show), “do you think people judge me?” (A: YES), “do you think if we act really badly people will know its a joke?” (A: no, because almost no one can get over the fact that you’re even on this show.)

I don’t really need to say much, but I would like to point this out in case you missed it…A SOLO PROFILE PICTURE OF DAVID WALLACE ON SUTTON’S WALL…really? okay. (this doesn’t count as one of my David Wallace digs, this is a set design issue. Who keeps a solo picture of their living Dad, who just happens to be David Wallace, framed on your wall.  This is weird.)

Bratz Dolls...outrageously large hair and heads with anorexic bodies...great body image for young teens.

About this so-called “date” that Laurel and blonde guy go on, first there is lame music talk while she poses for a non existent sketch, then there is an awkward conversation about money. Then we come to the ultimate date showdown between Laurel and the Bratz dolls (see left) aka Mads and girl with veneers who likes blonde guy, in which blonde guy manages to out-douche himself with the gem of saying he “liked Laurel since the moment he saw her.”

You can’t really tell if Emma is having a nightmare or experiencing some sexual act of sorts, but nightmare makes more sense, because I too would have nightmares if I found out Michael Jackson was my birth mother and slept with that photo next to my head.  Also in this scene I want to make a note to the “sweat applier” in the make up department…you don’t sweat out of your dimples and the side of your mouth.

And now it’s time for my second David Wallace reference.  I am not sure which character offends me more: David Wallace, or David Wallace’s golfing glasses?  Yep, they’re back for episode number two.

I am pretty sure the issues with Nathan Petrelli’s sweaty look are not the fault of the sweat applier, but instead that of the sweat dabber on set.  Either that, or there is no air conditioning ANYWHERE and Nathan Petrelli has overactive sweat glands.  Let’s get the sweat problems under control Lying Game make up department.

In an attempt to make fun of this show, while watching I said to my friend “just because she brought you love, so what?”  30 seconds later, Laurel ACTUALLY said “you brought me love, just returning the favor.”  I don’t know if I’m more offended by myself that I predicted that exact awful line, or by the writers who OK’d that exact awful line.

I can’t take it anymore…WHO is Thayer and what does he contribute to this show? I will tell you, nothing.  As evidence by this line: “Well we know one thing about your birth mother.  She had a terrible realtor.  I mean come on, you’re in California – there’s Santa Cruz, Palm Springs, Big Sur…”  I’m not even going to warrant this comment with an ACTUAL list of the top three places to live in California – let me just reassure you that is NOT the order of the top three.

Upon episode conclusion, let’s recap what we’ve learned this time around. Michael Jackson’s character’s name is Annie Hobbs, Laurel doesn’t suck as much as she used to, David Wallace and Nathan Petrelli conspired about the adoption/birth mom issue, Rick Malambri is highly inappropriate towards a 17 year old, girl with veneers is about to derail from the troops, and finally blonde guy used to be brunette and now appears gray.

In case you need to catch up, next Monday ABC Family is having a “marathon event” of a whopping four episodes.  Followed by what looks like an offensively filled episode with some sort of school dance – one of my fav ways that shows inaccurately portray high school.

I Just Want My Pants Back – Sneak Peek

The trailer leads you to believe that this is the premise for this show: a guy meets a girl, they hook up, she wears his pants home the next day as to “not be seen in the same outfit” and the guy spends the rest of the series biking around manhattan in search of his pants — Just to clarify…not in search of the girl…in search of the pants.

The episode begins with a no name actor and no name actress in a bar getting high and saying one repulsive comment after the other.

As this guy hits on this girl you just want to scream STOP TALKING.  And then turn to the girl and say STOP LISTENING AND WALK AWAY.

Naturally like ever drunken bar night on MTV, they end up in his kitchen? having sex…and by kitchen I mean she suggests they “do it in his fridge.”  This is just real weird already.

The biggest issue I have with this whole “pants” premise is that the pants fit her.  She’s a thin girl too so why these pants fit just makes no sense.  Which leads me back to the issue of who ok’d this premise in the first place.

Also the main “actor and actress” both look like theyre 15…so it makes no sense why they are out drinking at bars and talking about sex slash having it.

Then there’s the offensive scene where they audition MIDGETS to be pieces of fruit.  The word offensive in this case means that it is actually offensive…not in TV Queen’s definition but in the literal meaning of the word.

Then comes the big shocker…that she gave him a fake number.

He spends the next night having a heartfelt conversation about why the girl would take his pants if she wasn’t planning on seeing him again…I don’t know you weirdo but im thinking she did you a favor considering THEY FIT HER. Buy some new pants.

At the end, his friends all give him the sound advice of “let’s find you a new girl” but all he wants is his pants.

My tivo unfortunately cut off before I could find out what happened in the last six minutes of this show but truly I couldn’t have been happier because I didn’t know how much more of it I could watch.  I Just Want My Pants Back isn’t supposed to air until 2012, and I can only hope that in between now and then someone comes to their senses and cancels this stupid thing.   I have a feeling, though, that I will be writing more come early 2012.

I can’t link the video because it isn’t up on YouTube (probably because even YouTube has standards), but if you like self-torture you can see the trailer through the story below:

http://insidetv.ew.com/2011/08/26/pants-back-trailer/

 

 

Offensive

I thought it was about time to clarify the definition of the most commonly used word in my vocabulary: Offensive.

Now Webster’s defines offensive as: “repugnant to the moral sense, good taste, or the like; insulting”

See, I 100% agree with this definition; however, you will find that my use of the word extends to only MY personal moral sense.  In other words, things that might not be universally agreed upon as “repugnant to the moral sense,” I could  find to be just slightly be irritating or annoying, or (most often) personally upsetting – in which case, it is dubbed offensive.

For example, the most offensive thing that I can currently think of that continues to taunt me day after day is Vanessa Hudgens newest haircut.  As in it personally offends me… while we’re talking about it – seriously WHO OK’D THAT?  Like a wig would have been sufficient, no need to cut your hair off for a movie that no one is even going to see.  Has her hairdresser been forced into retirement?  Is no one else upset by her presence in the media during this rough hair transition period (or during any time for that matter, but that’s a rant for a different day)?

I mean .. it’s just so offensive.

Oh I’d also like to point out, that I also like to say offensive things and then say “no offense” .. just a little trick I picked up along the way from a true pacifist.